PSOH 'Homework'
by tigersilver
Summary: AU. Chris has an assigment to complete for his mean teacher, Ms. Terious. How do you define 'happily ever after', anyway? Adults are sooo weird.


PSOH Homework

"!"

Leon was very pleased with himself.

"Antidisestablishmentarianism," D followed calmly, peering over the edge of his cup. "If you wish to use a _real_ word, Christopher."

"_Could you spell that one, Count D?"_ Chris asked, entirely ignoring his slightly breathless and expectant big brother. It was Sunday and nearing bedtime and Ms. Terious would skin him if he didn't get this done before tomorrow. She was tough, that lady.

"Oh, yes, dear. Like this," D answered and spelled it very slowly, Christopher biting the pink eraser between syllables.

"Humph!" Leon snorted, but he didn't argue Chris's choice. Gods knew, spelling was _not _Leon's strong suit.

"_And then I need a 'common rhyme' for this one…or a doggyrill,"_ Chris examined his paper, puzzlement growing in his eyes. Ms. Terious always gave out the weirdest homework. "_What's a 'doggyrill', Count?"_

"'Doggerel', Christopher. And that would be something along the lines of 'Peter Piper picked a peck o'peppers', I imagine. Or, 'do you know 'the Muffin Man, the Muffin Man?'"

"'_Muffin Man'? Who's he?" _

"A scary man, Chris. Chases little kids. Go with Peter Piper," Leon said wisely, nodding toward Count D, who was clearly ready to finish the song of the peppers at the slightest provocation.

"_Who's 'Peter Peter', anyhow?"_ Chris wanted to know, having never heard of _any_ of these people. And what did they have to do with a 'common rhyme' or 'doggerel'? Were they in the Shop somewhere and he'd just never met them? There were plenty of dogs, here. He knew _them_.

"A little boy, about your age, who ventured out to his garden, gathering vegetables, or so the story goes. It is an old nursery rhyme, Christopher. Similar to a fairy tale. Have you never heard any?"

"_Noooo,"_ Chris considered. _"Don't think so. I shared a room with my cousin back East and he never said anything about them and he knows all the Super Heroes and that stuff. Why? Are they important? Am I supposed to?"_

Leon disguised his pang of guilt behind the sports pages of the Sunday paper, rustling it busily before he stared piercingly at D. The Count frowned and shook his head slightly in silent warning when their eyes met. An entire day's heated, passionate argument was telegraphed in the ten seconds that passed before the Count blinked once, owlishly, and turned away, refocusing his odd-eyed gaze on Leon's little brother.

"No, of course not, my dear. They're only fairy tales for the smallest of children, not a big boy such as you. Nothing to worry your head over."

Chris nodded happily, already on the next question.

Silence fell, except for the little rustles emanating from Big Bro, who'd moved on to the Comics section. Christopher's nibbled-on pencil scurried across the fill-in-the-blanks on his homework sheet. Ms. Terious sure was tough—and mean, too, giving him homework over a weekend. Oh! Here was one he was pretty sure he knew…but maybe he'd better check, just in case.

"_Hey, what's it mean when they 'live happily ever after', Count?"_

He peeked over at his elder brother again, just in case. Leon was turning pink and slowly lowering the shuffled pages of the comics, emerging from them like a wild creature from hiding. The Count took a short, sharp breath and parted his lips, narrowing his eyes.

"Ahem!" Big Bro harrumphed, completely out of the blue. "Um…I've got this one, D," he went on very loudly, before the Count could give Chris the answer to the very last question on his sheet.

Big Bro slowly gathered the crinkly pages of the newspaper in his lap in a disorganized pile and leant forward on the sofa, sending Chris this very weird look, accompanied by a little half-smile, which was even stranger, 'cause his brother usually either grinned really big or frowned just as big or even larger—all across his face—when Chris asked a question only the Count could answer. Chris decided Big Bro was looking sort of odd for no good reason, what with turning all red like that and sort of huffing, as if he'd just been chasing after a bad guy or maybe had a bad fever. His blue eyes were sparkling all funny-like, too. It was only homework, anyway, so why was Big Bro acting like it was a matter of life or death to him?

Cautiously, he peeped over at the Count, who was also leaning forward in his armchair, his angular features serious and his full mouth thinned to a straight line. Why did Count D seem so mad, all the sudden?

Maybe it was gonna be a fight. Adults were so weird, sometimes.

Sometimes they did that when he and the Count were fighting, Chris remembered suddenly. They both turned colours and glared and panted. Those were also the times when T-chan came to get Chris and shoo him off to his bath or bed double-quick, though, so he never got to see how the fights ended. Big Bro and the Count were always back to smiling at each other and him by morning, usually, so Chris tipped a thin shoulder into a shrug, joggling his chewed-on pencil.

It would probably be okay.

"It means just what we're doing right this minute—right now, Chris," Big Bro began, his voice very deep and quiet, and Chris instantly noticed how he and the Count were staring at each other again, and how the Count has turned a pretty shade of pink, too. "Just being here at the Shop with the Pets and you doing your homework like a good kid and the Count over there in his chair doing whatever the hell it is he always does and me here, too, catching up on the weekend scores and _Peanuts_. It's _that_, Chris. It's your life."

"_Oh,"_ Chris nodded slowly. He didn't get it, but okay. He'd write it down, as much as he could remember, at least, especially as the Count was all at once nodding at Big Bro and smiling with all his teeth, as if he approved. _'Kay. Thanks."_

"Leon's exactly correct, Christopher," the Count added hastily, in his soothing, just-before-bathtime voice. He was Chris's 'expert opinion' on anything homework-related, so Chris started up his laborious writing again, trying to recall all of what Big Bro just said. There was a lot to write, though, and he couldn't remember much but a few words here and there.

Sofa and _Peanuts_ and being here and bathtime, right? Oh, yeah, and his Big Bro and the Count looking really strange and pink. They looked sick, still. The Count had his hand on his chest like it hurt him and Big Bro was almost falling off the sofa cushion.

Adults were strange, especially teachers.

He really hoped Ms. Terious would be okay with this stuff; all these words he was writing down. It didn't sound like it was exactly right, 'cause that was how it _always_ was at the Shop, anymore, but then—

If Big Bro and the Count said it was what she wanted, well, he wasn't going to argue. 'Happily ever after' was kind of a goopy, gooey thing to think about, anyway. He liked the sound of 'Peter Piper' better, despite the veggies. Nice and simple.

Chris looked up from his homework one more time before he was done with his writing, wanting to know how to spell 'Hell' correctly, but the Count and Big Bro still had their eyes locked on each other and they weren't paying him any attention. Chris sighed, figuring it was probably okay with one 'L'. Ms. Terious would fix it if it wasn't. She had a red pencil, so he'd know if it was wrong by tomorrow after naptime.

Sighing led to yawning. Homework was hard. Teachers were mean.

Count D had joined Big Bro on the sofa when Chris wasn't looking, the tip of his small tongue poking from between his teeth as he concentrated hard on recalling all there was about 'ever after'. They were sitting really close together now, the two of them, sort of cuddly, and—oh, yeah! That was what Big Bro said 'happily ever after' was!

Chris grinned at his homework sheet. Right. Adults were _sooo_ weird, sometimes. Ms. Terious had better be happy with him, 'cause this was a lot of work. A 'hell' of a lot of work, like Big Bro always said. But…maybe there'd be candy. Or a star on his sheet. Chris liked those. They were neat and he could make them bigger, just by outlining them with his pencil point.

But candy was good, too.

"Bath time, sport," T-chan popped up from behind the couch and scowled at a startled Chris fiercely, just as he was silently sounding out and carefully printing down the very last word of his final definition in his big regulation block letters: 'Two-get-urr'.

"_Awww…"_ Chris protested, scrambling up and stuffing his homework away in his binder. He didn't wanna. It was nice being here in the Parlour, even with Big Bro and Count D acting like total weirdoes, holding hands and stuck together like that. "_Don't wanna!"_

"Past time to get a move on, little human!" T-chan growled, but he didn't sound mad. He sounded like he was laughing. "Say g'night now!"


End file.
